A little bit from the second.

“You want to what?”

“Play chess,” she said.  “We have to play chess right now.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“I want some strawberries…so we have to play chess.”

I raised my eyebrows again.

“I’m allergic to strawberries…mildy allergic.”

She’s an odd one, but this topped the list.  Flustered, she put her hands on her hips, sighed out loud and explained for the fifth time that she could eat strawberries if she wanted to but then she’d have to endure severe stomach pain and numbness of the limbs and face for about three hours.  Playing chess was a much less uncomfortable substitute.

“Besides,” she added.  “Maybe this time I’ll let you win.”

I’ve seen the film, I’ve read some of the book, and over the last week or so, I finally watched the first season of Friday Night Lights the TV show.

I liked it much, much more than I imagined I would.  The writing is so sharp and the acting, for the most part, is superb.

Get a glimpse of the show here.

~!~

Okay, now on a different subject, this DTV signal switch can eat my pantaloons.  Not only have both of my local public television stations–PBS and GPTV–stopped coming through, but it appears that NBC (11alive) has expired and CBS (46) is hiding.

ABC is alarmingly clear, though.  I hope the signal strengths get their acts together before football season starts.

Show of hands, how many of you are experiencing similar issues?

You hear that sound?

In name, in spirit, in color-coded combination, Michael Vick is a Falcon no more.  Click here to read general manager Thomas Dimitroff’s follow-up to the announcement.

The bad news for all you Crimson Tide fans: sixteen Alabama teams shall have to relinquish victories from their 2005 to 2007 seasons on account of textbooks.  Hop to ESPN to read more.

The good news for all you Georgia State Panthers fans (and potential fans): GSU will be joining the Colonial Athletic Association starting in 2012.  Read more about it here.

Nick Montana, son of–you know–Joe, will be gripping the prolate spheroid for Washington Huskies.   Click here for to read Sports Illustrated’s article.

Do you like Florida State University? Do you know about their woes wit the NCAA? Apparently, Florida state law does not allow for the latter to say its piece to the former…unless it’s formal.  What? Me too.  Get the details here.

Skip you and your Lou over to EDSBS for a look at LSU’s 1958 defensive linemen donning weirdly green and Asiatic looking masks.

~!~

Watch Remi Gaillard’s fancy futbol footwork.  It’s ripping cool.

The following parody is inspired by this song.

Truffle Party

Werewolves were fun & thirsty for you
I dose the pies,
and the package sparks with landing gear
Oh, my raptor, so debonair

Squeeze the pints,
squeeze Mandy the tall clown
I squeeze your microwave blue & proud, you play Halo
so rattled that it shows
those Oreos you made your kitchen in shambles
and my caddy played a prank on you alone
with egg whites on the counter top spreading out
here we go, and I slept

Oreos baking with pears on a golden dome,
I’ll seem hungry add to this some vintage rum,
You’ll cut the price and I’ll feel so priceless,
It’s a truffle party, baby, just bring the chess set.

Slow my heart down to bass lines of bayous
our meek riot focused in debt too, show me your spies
vests strapped for about a mile
cocked Oreos delight nibble on my handle
and my caddy played a prank on you alone
with apple seeds on the counter spreading out
make the toast, and I slept

Oreos baking with pears on a golden dome,
I’ll seem hungry add to this some vintage rum,
You’ll cut the price and I’ll feel so priceless,
It’s a truffle party, baby, just bring the chess set
Oreos fill me–Can’t do it on my own
Missed much in a year, smell my candle
Prone to be late, wheels shaking round so blessed
It’s a truffle party, baby, just bring the chess set

I fought mired and shady, scraping off the glue from your old crown
My taste in truth is waning, then I felt you on the downpour of doubt, and I slept

Oreos filling–without you I’m not whole
I cheat death’s door for a truce that won’t be done
Business in my shed, I got lost on the street
Icy to the touch, you drew out your sheath
Carry me all alone, I will give you a home
I’ll fix you so what else do you wanna know
I knocked out your caddy so no more of his lame tricks
It’s a truffle party, baby, I’ll bring the chess set

oh, oh, oh, oh

Werewolves were fun & thirsty for you.

–yiqi 9 june 09 9:16 pm

Not entirely continued from the first portion, but certainly related in spirit.

I gathered her hair into a knot.  The ocean fell away, leaving behind an aphrodisiac sandlot.  There were stables once along the beach.  They’ve rotted, disentangled themselves from duty.  She walked around the northwest corner of the trail of rocks, picking up decade-old golf balls with each step.  I brought along a shovel that I never got to use.  The sand was too loose; there weren’t enough shells.

I caught up to her quickening pace and retied the yellow ribbon around her waist.  We smelled toffee.  We reached a ledge.  Deflated footballs were fanned out across the earth below.  A seagull with a broken wing was being infiltrated by waves of maggots.  Slowly, almost without my noticing, she put her right hand in the front left pocket of my jeans.  Her fingers prowled around for the small bottle opener I keep with me at all times.  She palmed it and held it tightly.  She then looked up at me and mouthed, “I’ll race ya,” with eyes leering through me.  We started to smell seafood in a bad way.

–yiqi 7 june 09 11:49AM

From Buffalax, the guy* that brought to viewers Gosh My Old Calculator Ain’t Got No Bowl, feast your eyes and laughs on My Saw Shot Through A Brit!.

Not a real Brit.

*I use the word “guy” in a gender neutral sense.

Oh JinHwan.  Truth? Half-baked truth? Not technically incorrect but we don’t have the whole context?

What did Falcons offensive lineman Quinn Ojinnaka do to his life partner that cost $2,4000 bond?!  USA Today has the following to say about it:

His wife, whose name is not listed on the Falcons’ website, confronted him for contacting a female friend on Facebook, got tossed down some stairs and thrown out of their house in Suwanee late Tuesday, according to a police report.

Click here for ESPN’s coverage.

Before I get to the RDJr, read my review of The Brothers Bloom here.

Robert Downey Jr. as a backup quarterback.  Believe it.  It happened on the big screen back in 1988 in a film called Johnny Be Good (Bud S. Smith).  I was seven years-old,  Matt Ryan was three when this football-esque comedy was released in American theatres.

I say “football-esque” because while the story, characters, and imagery satisfy the criteria for being a football film, they just don’t cut it thematically and operationally.  The back of the DVD summarizes the plot as the following:

It’s an orgy of wine, women and cash kickbacks when two of the biggest college football factories in the country scramble to get a high school wunderkind on their rosters! Anthony Michael Hall (”The Dead Zone”), Robert Downey, Jr. (Less Than Zero), Paul Gleason (Not Another Teen Movie), Robert Downey, Sr. (Boogie Nights), Jennifer Tilly (Liar Liar) and Uma Thurman (The Truth About Cats and Dogs) star in this outrageous coming-of-age comedy that’ll leave you cheering for more! Moving from lusty limousine rides to all-night strip joints, Johnny gets the workout of his life…and an education he’ll never forget. But when he discovers that he’s become the object of an NCAA investigation and an embarrassment to his family and friends, Johnny shows that he still has one more option play left to run.

The product description gives one the impression that Johnny Be Good could be two parts Animal House and two parts Weird Science.   Just a bit? When in actuality, the film is not like either of them.  Robert Downey Jr.’s Leo has these outbursts that might channel the more peculiar moments in Animal House, but ultimately, Johnny Be Good is a whole lot of snooze.  The opening credits consist of a game sequence (the state championship to be exact and Ashcroft High won it 52 to 0), and it’s the only game in the whole film (though, it’s not the only depiction of game-play in the film.  There are two sequences where Johnny is playing drums in his room and watching what is most likely NFL action on his TV).

The film attempts to use verbal and physical humor (both lewd and sligthly esoteric) to rustle up some feathers surrounding dodgy college recruiting tactics.  In the end, however, the director’s efforts (and the writers’ as well) pushed out what is, for me, the worst football movie ever.  Yes, I am equating “worst” with “boring.” I really wanted to turn the DVD off halfway through the film.

The reason that I stuck it out, though, was because I wanted to see whether or not there would be one shot or one scene that could salvage some of my sympathy.  There was no such shot or scene.  I found myself more tickled pink by the set design.  Johnny’s bedroom walls are decorated with a stencil of Charlie Chaplin, a photo of David Bowie, and a sketch of John Lennon.   And, this film was Uma Thurman’s third film project.  The credits read “Introducing Uma Thurman.”  Her torso was quite ample.

Product Placement & Branding (including but not limited to): Howard Cosell, Jim McMahon, Adidas, black Jeep Wrangler with lights on top.

After Johnny Be Good failed to amuse or amaze me, I popped in Black Hawk Down and watched about twenty minutes of the film with commentary by four of the men who were there: Col. Tom Matthews, Col. Lee Van Arsdale, Msgt. Matt Eversmann, and Col. Danny McKnight (all retired).

I came across a couple cool finds when I was googling.  Click here to read about what happened when McKnight watched Ridley Scott’s film at the theatre. Click here to read about a New York Times article on the Rangers’ Ethic.

~!~

Click here for a few movie stills from Johnny Be Good.

Note: Some of the passages in the following discussion were integrated into my thesis.  You take any of it without my consent and I will come to you in the dark of some terrible night and bring with me a pointy reckoning that will shudder you.  Thanks & Enjoy!

~!~

I watched and analyzed the 1974 The Longest Yard (Robert Aldrich) for my thesis, and while I’ve owned the 2005 version of the film for three years now, I only got around to watching it a couple nights ago.  The motivation came from the knowledge that William Fichtner plays Captain Knauer.

The two films may have similar skeletons (second chances for a former professional player who gets incarcerated for auto-theft and reckless driving;  he is not released from prison, but he is given the opportunity to exercise his football player role within the confines of his new home), but they are not so similar in spirit.

The Burt Reynolds Longest Yard explored much more effectively and convincingly not only the redemption narrative but also the role of football in that narrative.  Specifically, the game functions as a way for its protagonist to find his place within the system and not to buck it.  Of course, he does buck it on an ideological level because he refuses to play according to anyone’s prerogative but his own. Reynolds is Paul Crewe, a one-time professional football player who ends up in prison for “stealing a car, drunken driving, [being] drunk in public, and resisting arrest.”  Once he arrives at the Citrus State Prison, Crewe’s moustache is shaved off and his hair is cut, an instance where visual change compels personal change.  The prestige of who he was is gone—not to suggest that his experience in the professional league will not benefit him during his stay in prison, but he has to learn a whole new set of rules to survive in the place.

On the first day of work detail out in the swamps, Crewe learns from fellow inmate Caretaker (James Hampton) why the other inmates are not warming up to him.   In what the film implies to be the last professional game Crewe played as quarterback (seven or eight years before his arrest), he deliberately played poorly so his team would lose and he would collect a large sum of money for it.  Caretaker remarks that “shaving points off the game is un-American,” which is his real crime, not the on-record reason why he is in prison.   Caretaker adds that the other prisoners come from poverty and resent Crewe for coming from wealth, having it all and throwing it away.  It is more probable that they would turn to a life of crime, while Crewe had the odds in his favor yet still ended up in prison. *

The confrontational sentiments that he experiences quickly dissipate as Crewe tries his best to fit in—at least to the degree that his will allows.   Within the first fifteen minutes of the film, the antagonists and the conflict are established.  Warden Hazen (Eddie Albert) has a semi-professional team that is comprised of the guards.  Captain Knauer (Ed Lauter) has promised for the past five years that they would win a national title and it has not happened yet.  The warden initially asks Crewe to coach his own team, but after having a follow-up conversation with him, Hazen wants the creation of a prisoners’ team so the guards can gain some pre-season practice.

Whether or not to put a prisoner team together and then whether or not to play to win become complicated questions for Crewe since he just wants to do his time and leave; he does not want to get hurt playing against the guards if it would just be a game.  But it is clearly not just a game.  Once Crewe slowly begins to care about more than himself, he and Caretaker pursue the task at hand.  The inmates agree to play football because they would be allowed to inflict bodily injury upon the guards within the rules of the game.  If they themselves were injured, spending six weeks in a hospital would be a vacation from living in the prison environment.  Moreover, playing football provides them a few hours to exist as “free” men.   Major spoiler ahead.  Highlight at your own discretion: Crewe leads his Mean Machine team to win, despite the warden’s threat of extending the duration of his sentence.   Naturally, Hazen is not happy, but Captain Knauer finally realizes that the enemy is not Crewe but the warden.    It really is for the better.  Crewe and his inmate teammates earn respect from the guards by playing football.

There is only one game sequence in The Longest Yard, and it is incredibly long.  The first two quarters of the game include three to four plays, followed by halftime, followed by the third and fourth quarters.  Only the last play of the fourth quarter is in slow-motion.   Why might there be so much game-play? According to IMDB, The Longest Yard was released in American theatres nationwide on August 30, 1974, which would have been around the time football season officially started in that year.**   The increase in popularity of Monday Night Football, which had been on television four years at that point, can account for the marketability of Aldrich’s film.  In a display of intertextuality and authenticity, the film features former professional players (according to one of the special features segments on the DVD); there are even corporate sponsors for the game between the guards and the Mean Machine: Pabst beer, Gatorade, Adidas, Rawlings, Eastern Airlines, and Goodyear.

Adam Sandler’s Paul Crewe undergoes no such transformation.  In fact, by the time the game sequence arrives, I’m just glad I’m not annoyed to tears with Sandler’s portrayal of Crewe.  Burt Reynolds was always a much more sympathetic PC, and I was happy to see his character mature.

The first image in Aldrich’s The Longest Yard is a coffee table, on top of which rests an ashtray (filled with a dozen or so cigarette butts), a bottle of whiskey/bourbon/scotch, an empty glass, and a metal box.   The table is in a living room.  There is a piano on the left of the screen and there are pictures of a woman on it.  The audio track consists of a sportscaster giving the play-by-play of a football game.  An off-screen woman’s voice complains about “watching this crap” and “only a moron would watch two football games one after another.”

The opening scene of Peter Segal’s Longest Yard, on the other hand, is a swanky party that Crewe’s girlfriend (played by a Courteney Cox of asymetrical bosom specs–> her left breast is lower and longer than her right breast) is throwing.  Crewe is hanging out upstairs and refuses to wear the Elton John-inspired outfit that his girlfriend has picked for him.   He gets her into the closet, locks it, and then takes her Bentley for a joy ride.

Rounding out the main casting choices, Chris Rock takes the role of Caretaker and James Cromwell is Warden Hazen.   Burt Reynolds is also in it (as more than a cameo, he plays a convict-coach).  2005’s The Longest Yard features a dozen practice sequences (snaps, exercises, much falling down of characters) and one game.  As a football film, the Sandler Longest Yard troubles me.  Whereas the depiction of football in the Reynolds Longest Yard unmistakably examines the protagonist’s struggles in negotiating the convict/athlete identities and offers violent spectacle, the sport in Sandler’s hands is more contextual.  In fact, the majority of the jokes and physical comedy are integrated into football (related) scenes.  While I would categorize the 1974 picture as a football-prison film, I’d be more inclined to drop the 2005 one as a comedy with football in it.  Hmmm, I haven’t watched The Waterboy yet.  I wonder how it compares, especially given the Sandler factor.

Product Placement and Branding: Silver Bentley, Lord of the Rings franchise (specifically, “Mr. Frodo” as verbal allusion); McDonalds cheeseburgers, Gatorade, People Magazine (of Melrose Mania cover), Icy Hot, Vaseline, Reebok, Short Circuit, Sean John Collection (some dude was wearing a white shirt before the game scene), ESPN, Chris Berman.

For a full plot synopsis of the Sandler Yard, click here.

~!~

And yes, Cloris Leachman is in the 2005 The Longest Yard.

Click here to watch William Fichtner in the film.

*Deborah V. Tudor makes the observation in her book Hollywood’s Vision of Team Sports: Heroes, Race, and Gender that “a flawed hero, one who suffers from temporary disgrace or loss of skill, is a common device within [sports] films,” because the “function of such narratives…becomes one of self-restoration” (46).

**North Dallas Forty came out August 3, 1974.  Rocky did not come out until 1976.

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