Monthly Archives: October 2008

Off Topic: Today’s Prose 10

Settling in from the ninth section.


Walter Flint surveyed the names on the sheet of paper. With pen in hand, he was about to begin the process of re-organizing the locker assignments. The other coaches told him it was “plain silly” to think that a football team would play any better by doing a musical chairs on them. Walter Flint was willing to give it a try. His argument: chaos reigns on that field, even when things are going your way. If your players can’t adapt quickly to new locker assignments and develop strong connections with a different set of fellow offense or defense, chaos will have the advantage during crucial moments in the game.

Emily sat there listening to her uncle explain his theory to her. She understood, to a certain degree, his rationale, but she had to agree with the other coaches. It was “plain silly.” She changed the subject to the man she saw at Sykes Ten Stadium.

“What did he look like?” Her uncle asked.

“Remember that sophomore running back from two years ago? Fred “gel-on” Stables? This man looked like him–but ten years older.”

“Did he smell like a cinnabon?”

“Now, that you mention it, yes he did.” Emily replied as she stared into nowhere in particular.

“And you said he was arguin’ with someone on the phone?”

Emily nodded.

“I think I know who you saw. You’ll probably be seeing him a lot more too.”

Emily leaned in, her hands flat on the kitchen table.

Uncle Flint rummaged through the papers on his table. “Ah, there we go. His name is Kyle Pacer and will likely be the new stadium facilities manager.”

Emily gestured for her uncle to continue.

“Well, you know Gene Fenway is older than the arts and crafts building over at the high school. He’s getting to be that age where he can still remember all the good years but not be in denial of the bad ones. I think the stadium owners are wooing him to retire.”

“Wooing him?”

“Yeah, make it worth his while–which means he’ll never have to work again (not even in down times) or sell any of his football collectors items. Kyle is Gene’s nephew and the most likeliest candidate. I don’t think he’s too enthused about it, though. Probably why he was arguing with the person on the phone. When he isn’t excited about one thing, everything else turns into an obstacle course in hell.”

Emily was intrigued and asked her uncle how he knew all of this information. He said he would tell her soon enough.

Off Topic: When people or you have to go

as in leave the premises or quit, there are some pretty clever and snarky remarks to be made. In the same flavor of When people go lame, I bring to you:


From the chapter on You’re Fired

Tell someone their services are no longer needed:

“Think of this as your a get-out-of-jail-free card.”

“Some day soon you may want to use me as a reference.”

“These are the days I hate being a boss, but I won’t be your boss much longer.”

“We’ll both be happier when you’re free to pursue your other interests.”

“Don’t think of this as a closed door; look at it as an open window.”

“This comes from both the top and the bottom. The middle had no opinion.”


From the chapter I Quit

Tell everyone you will no longer be offering your services:

“The bad news is that I’m leaving; the good news is that I’m giving you twelve months’ notice.”

“I look forward to training my replacement.”

“I’ve learned so much from you that it’s time to start my own business.”

“Though this job has been financially and emotionally rewarding, I can no longer deny my dreams.”

“I’m disavowing capitalism.”

“I’ve accepted a position that doesn’t require me to wear a uniform.”

“It’s my goal to have a dozen careers by the time I’m fifty.”

“I’m losing my identity in your corporate image.”

“You don’t recycle.”

“I’m just a number to you.”

“This job isn’t exactly the goldmine you promised.”


From the chapter Letting Go of the Help

Tell a provider that their services are no longer needed:

“I can analyze my own dreams.”

“I always leave feeling worse than when I came in.”

“Your couch is lumpy.”

“You don’t validate for parking.”

“It appears you skipped the bedside manner class in medical school.”

“I found a second opinion I liked better.”

“I found a dentist who lets me watch DVDs during treatment.”


From the chapter Romance is Dead

Tell someone you’re moving on or don’t even want to begin:

“I’d only be going out with you to make my ex jealous.”

“You’re geographically or otherwise undesirable.”

“No need to go any further–I googled you.”

“Dogs are great judges of character and mine doesn’t like you.”

“I’m really busy for the next few years.”

“What could possibly have made you think I would go out with you?”

“It’s funny–I don’t even want to be friends.”

“I need to discover who I am without you.”

“You’re way out of my league.”

“I woke up beside you and knew it was wrong.”

“Now that I’m not medicated, I realize that I don’t need you anymore.”

“I’ll never convert for you.”

“I’m having some sort of allergic reaction.”


Get more goodies here.


I’ve also added a new link to the Net Gems section. It’s a web site called Intuitor Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics to devoted to the discussion of how science is affected by films that demand viewers suspend disbelief. You’ll learn more than just “real” science. Here’s a bit on cigarettes.

NFL 08: Eagles juicy fruit the Falcons

The Atlanta Falcons ferried themselves north to the city of brotherly love to temper-tantrum in the face of the Eagles. Televised by Fox, the first quarter started with a huge play–Eagles cornerback Asante Samuel snatched Matt Ryan’s pass meant for Falcons wide receiver Roddy White. In the bottom of the first quarter, Eagles defensive end Trent Cole slammed into Matt Ryan’s sternum and incurred a flag. Falcons backup quarterback Chris Redman may or may not go in for a few plays.

The second quarter started with a nice McNabbWestbrook maneuver, but the Falcons responded to that with an equally nifty LoftonDavis play. Both teams’ defense have done quite well. Atlanta’s offense amped up its performance when Matt Ryan and Roddy White connected for a touchdown. Falcons 7 and Eagles 0. Towards the bottom of the second quarter, the Eagles own quarterback Donovan McNabb put the ball into the end zone and tied the score. Going into halftime, Eagles in the lead with 10 points (thanks to a field goal).

The third quarter began with an Eagles touchdown tanks to running back Brian Westbrook. Philadelphia 17 and Falcons 7. In the bottom of the third quarter, Atlanta was two sheep short of a sweater in putting the ball in the end zone–even though there were two consecutive flags on Philadelphia that kept the Falcons in the red zone. On Matt Ryan’s third pass, he threw the ball towards Roddy White but Eagles cornerback Lito Sheppard caught the ball.

The fourth quarter progressed nearly to the halfway point with no scores until the Eagles increased their lead with a field goal. Philadelphia 20 and Atlanta 7. Another Falcons trip to the red zone produced, to my unwavering delight, a TD made by Roddy White. Philadelphia 20 and Atlanta 14. Mais, Brian Westbrook gave his Eagles a bigger lead with under two minutes left in the game. Philadelphia 27 and Atlanta 14. Final score.

Observations & Miscellania:

1. Sam Rosen and Tim Ryan provided commentary. I’ve never heard of these guys before.

2. Was I conflicted about team loyalties? I like both teams, I could be content no matter who won. Of course, I’d be thrilled to see the Falcons take the top bunk.

3. The Eagles lead the league in dropped passes? Is that what the commentators said?

4. In the minute before halftime, and the commentators discussed how many times the Falcons’ opponents have blitzed Matt Ryan, the graphic had Green Bay written as “Greeen Bay.” Hilarious.

5. Eagles wide receiver Kevin Curtis had to miss six games this season due to hernia surgery recuperation. He caught his first pass for the season in the very bottom of the second quarter. He caught seventy-seven passes last year.

Get game summary, stats, and play-by-play here.

College Football: UGA demythologizes LSU

UGA’s Bulldogs went west to visit fellow SEC rivals, the LSU Tigers. Nearly 93,000 spectators were in attendance. Broadcast on CBS, the first quarter started with LSU’s quarterback Jarrett Lee throwing an interception. UGA’s linebacker Darryl Gamble nabbed that ball and ran forty-yards for a touchdown. Bulldogs 7 and Tigers 0. LSU answered that turn of events with a TD of their own, thanks to wide receiver Brandon LaFell. 7 to 7. Yes, glory did have a hallelujah–the Bulldogs pounced back with a TD, courtesy of fullback Fred Munzenmaier.

UGA increased its lead again at the top of the second quarter with a TD catch by split end Kenneth Harris. Bulldogs 21 and Tigers 7. LSU increased their numbers with a fifty-eight yard field goal by kicker Colt David. Halfway through the second quarter, LSU running back Charles Scott put the ball into the end zone. Bulldogs 21 and Tigers 17. UGA safety Reshad Jones intercepted Jarrett Lee’s pass around four minutes in the second quarter. The Bulldogs tacked on three more points with a field goal. 24 to 17.

The third quarter started well for UGA–wide receiver A.J. Green put a touchdown on the board. Bulldogs 31 and Tigers 17. The bottom of the quarter included a field goal attempt by Colt David that went wide right. UGA’s running back Knowshon Moreno ran sixty-eight yards into the end zone for a TD on the Bulldogs’ next possession. UGA 38 and LSU 17. Following Moreno’s TD, LSU’s Charles Scott made it into the end zone. Bulldogs 38 and Tigers 24. At the very bottom of the third quarter, UGA kicker Blair Walsh missed a fifty-five yard field goal…quite blatantly missed it too.

The fourth quarter started with Bulldogs quarterback Matthew Stafford scurrying into the end zone for a touchdown. UGA 45 and LSU 24. The Tigers were not letting up any of their energy or determination, as evidenced by running back Keiland Williams’s TD. UGA 45 and LSU 31. Darryl Gamble intercepted another Lee pass for a TD in the bottom of the fourth quarter. But LSU was still not giving up. Brannan LaFell ran forty some-odd yards for a TD. Bulldogs 52 and Tigers 38. Final score.

Observations & Miscellania:

1. The opening montage announcer guy’s monologue took the form of boxing contender introductions.

2. Verne Lundquist, one of the commentators, continued with the boxing metaphor, remarking that the game carried significance much like a “championship fight.” Gary Danielson was the other commentator.

3. Loran’s Best got an extreme close-up after returning from commercial break following UGA’s field goal in the bottom of the second quarter.

4. This game marked UGA’s eleventh appearance at Tiger Stadium playing against LSU. They also scored the most number of points today than they have in previous games. I guess the 31 points as of the middle of the third quarter broke the track record.

5. As the commentators were talking about Knowshon Moreno’s 140 yards rushed today (after returning from the commercial break proceeding Moreno’s third quarter TD), the camera was on a medium close-up of LSU fans. Two men were in the middle of the screen. The man on screen right extended his middle finger to the camera (at which point, the camera zoomed back).

Get game summary, stats, and play-by-play here.


A technicality, semantics, or a last resort to keep high school football alive in Atlanta. When budgets get slashed, everyone suffers. From no more field trips to scaled back arts programs. Nobody wants to see high school football affected, n’-est-ce pas? In economically brighter times, I suppose this kind of practice would be scandalous–not unfortunate but understandable.

Do you remember Ian Johnson?

Virginia beat GaTech. 24 to 17.

Off Topic: I came, I saw, but did I conquer?

I Saw once; I Saw twice; I Saw (and reviewed) three times a lady; I Saw four right angles make a rectangle and a fifth for good measure.

Hmmm. I, along with the rest of the audience, laughed several times during Saw V (David Hackl, 200eight). Funny beyond cheesy or even corny. Ludicrous but not deliberately deadpan or campy.

Not to give any filmmakers any ideas, but I’m now curious who would end up on top if Jigsaw put Freddy Krueger, Jason, the Alien, and the Predator in a game.