Tag Archives: insults

Insult Like You Mean It

A few years ago I posted about a book called Insults & Comebacks, a collection of witticisms that bite and punch.  They are hilarious and depending on one’s delivery, the lines could come off as just the right amount of dry humor:

“I’ve had a lot to drink, and you still don’t look good.”

“Just because you can’t smell it doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t suffering.”

“We’ve taken a vote: you’re trying too hard.”

“You still think you can be anything you want–and get paid for it.”

“Your lack of experience is matched only be your surplus of ego.”

“Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.”

“It’s not the technology–it’s you.”

 photo Insults.jpg

 

Today, I came across this thread on Reddit about insults and found even more awesome ways of saying some unkind things that are funnier than they are plain mean.

Why are you playing so hard to get when you’re already hard to want?

You’re the dollar menu version of your father.

The only way for you to get laid is to crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.

If you were any more inbred you’d be a sandwich.

You’re so ugly, your portraits hang themselves.

May you inherit a house with a thousand rooms and be found dead in every one of them.
Your teeth look like they’re throwing gang-signs.
I would ask you what your problem is, but you probably can’t pronounce it.
Does your ass get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
You’ll never be the man your mother is!
You’re as useful as a screen door on a submarine
If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb to your ego and jump down to your IQ.
I’ve had worse things said about me by better people.
I’d call you a cunt but you lack warmth and depth.

 

Off Topic: When people go lame

You needn’t become more lame. When people suck or bite or just plainly go the way of the outdated floppy disk, you could hit them with your best shot, but it’s best to strike them where it hurts the most. Their ego.

From the obscured-mean to the blatant-mean retorts to unsolicited come-ons to jabs at someone else’s competency and intellect, the right words in the right combination can do wonders more damage than a wallop to the noggin.

I was at the Z Gallerie store in Alpharetta last weekend and saw this book. I flipped through it and had to possess it. Observe my favorites below. More sophisticated than playground antics of “I know you are but what am I” and more painful than sarcasm, try them out sometime. Really. :

From the chapter on Looks

Tell someone that he or she is, in fact, unsightly:

“You’re dark and handsome. When it’s dark, you’re handsome.”

“I’ve had a lot to drink, and you still don’t look good.”

“You have such a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there?”

“Let me guess: You’re the kid who made a silly face and it stayed that way.”

<~>

Tell someone that you can smell him or her:

“Nice cologne. Must you marinate in it?”

“Just because you can’t smell it doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t suffering.”

“Do me a favor and go through the car wash–without your car.”

<~>

Tell someone that he or she has no sense of style (ever or for the moment):

“Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”

“I’m sure that would look good on someone.”

“Is that fabric fire retardant?”

“We’ve taken a vote: you’re trying too hard.”

From the chapter on The Young and the Old

How to give the old a reality check:

“Is your memory in black and white?”

“Yes, I’ve heard that story before. An hour ago.”

“You know so much. Too bad you don’t remember anything.”

“It must be hard to be nostalgic when you have no memory of your past.”

“You look like a million bucks–all green and wrinkled.”

“Your social security number must be in single digits.”

<~>

How to give the young a reality check:

“You still think you can be anything you want–and get paid for it.”

“You still think you can change the world.”

“You still think you know everything.”

“You’re so young, you think people other than your parents will believe you’re special.”

“Your lack of experience is matched only be your surplus of ego.”

“You should have grown out of that by now.”

From the chapter on Brains

Tell the dumb they shouldn’t go dumber:

“If brains were taxed, you’d get a rebate.”

“If you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless.”

“Don’t get lost in thought–it’s unfamiliar territory.”

“Don’t let your mind wander–it’s too little to be let out alone.”

“If you were smarter, I could teach you fetch.”

“Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing.”

“If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, you’re practically invulnerable.”

“Most people live and learn. You just live.”

“You’d need twice as much sense to be a half-wit.”

“Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.”

“It’s not the technology–it’s you.”

“The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”

“You throw like a girl who can’t throw.”

<~>

The Classic: One Short, Two Shy

“You’re two sheep short of a sweater.”

“You’re a couple of knights short of a Crusade.”

“You’re a few beers short of a six-pack.”

“You’re a few french fries short of a Happy Meal.”

“You’re a few sandwiches short of a picnic.”

Swing by your nearest Z Gallerie store to read the rest. For more information on the book, click here.

In some NFL news, Roger Goodell speaks about current league events. The San Diego Chargers and New Orleans Saints are going Brit-side this weekend.